It was a sad day in the Dose.ca offices last month, when the British press reported muckraker Andrew Morton's upcoming biography on Tom Cruise was being shelved in the U.K. because it was "too boring." Imagine our delight to discover "too boring" is actually just Brit speak for "so scandalous the publisher is scared silly of getting sued." All hail, Xenu!
Details of Morton's forthcoming book were revealed in British newspaper the Daily Mail this weekend, and the Scientology-skewered allegations were more bat-shit crazy than anything we could have ever imagined. Among the belated Christmas presents Morton dropped: Cruise has risen through the ranks to become the Church of Scientology's second-in-command; church leader David Miscavige joined TomKat on their honeymoon; Nicole Kidman was blackmailed into staying mum on her ex's religion with a tape of her final "audit," in which she discussed her sex life with Cruise; the actor's next "mission" is to recruit the Beckhams; and – most shockingly – adorable robo-baby Suri was conceived using late church leader L. Ron Hubbard's frozen sperm.
"In her more reflective moments, Katie might have felt as if she were in the middle of a real-life version of the horror movie Rosemary's Baby, in which an unsuspecting young woman is impregnated with the Devil's child," Morton writes in Tom Cruise: An Unauthorised Biography, as excerpted in the Daily Mail.
Morton also claims Cruise's relationship with actress Penelope Cruz fell apart when her father became suspicious of Scientology and emailed an anti-church organization, and his subsequent relationship with Sofia Vergara ended when she "realised Tom was never alone. Everywhere he went, he was surrounded by Scientologists. They were at his home, they were in his car, they were at the restaurant. They were never short of smiles, but she found them 'powerful and authoritarian.'"
The denials from Camp Cruise are coming fast and furious, even though the book isn't set to hit North American shelves until Jan. 15.
Cruise's lawyer, Bert Fields, told the Mail, "It's a pack of lies…It's a boring, poorly researched book by a man who never talked to anyone involved in Tom Cruise's life or anyone close to him. There's no real independent research. He hasn't spoken to his mother, his sister, me, Paula Wagner [Cruise's film producing partner], his agent, his wives, David Beckham, Will Smith, Jennifer Lopez or any of the famous directors he's worked with. Instead you've got this long, boring reference to people he knew 30 years ago."
Added Fields: "It's not being published in England. The American publishers criticized the libel laws in Britain because they require an author to tell the truth. Well, thank God for the British libel laws."
Elliot Abelson, general counsel for the Church of Scientology, told the Daily Mail: "We are seriously considering legal action and will wait to see the public reaction. It is something which will be discussed in the next few days. It isn't too late for [publisher] St Martin's Press to pull this book."
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