Friends Rally Around Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

May 4, 2007

Tom Cruise's latest production, Mission Impossible: Katie Hearts Tom, is coming soon to a magazine cover near you. In an attempt to counteract recent unflattering tabloid stories, TomKat's famous friends are lining up to deliver ~~paid testimony~~ heartfelt declarations of the couple's totally legitimate, non-business-contracted love.

In People magazine's new issue, currently previewed on its website, Cruise-camp-approved "insiders" offer glimpses into the couple's secret home life, swearing on a stack of Dianetics that Holmes is perfectly happy and allowed to roam/shop/recharge freely.

King of Queens actress Leah Remini blasts the conspiracy rumours surrounding the couple, telling People, "I really don't get it. They're married, they love each other and have a beautiful baby. They do 'weird' things like take care of their kid and go to baseball games."

"We're shocked when we read that stuff," adds Yahoo CEO and close TomKat pal Terry Semel. "Kate is bright and has opinions."

Even Cruise's Mission Impossible 3 director, J.J. Abrams, weighs in on Holmes's state of mind, telling the magazine, "She's hardly a shrinking violet."

But nobody speaks louder than Jada Pinkett Smith, who grants People an extensive ~~line reading~~ interview on Holmes's strength of character.

"I think everybody has this image: Poor little Kate, she doesn't have the strength to take care of herself. People don't know that behind all that grace is a tiger. I've witnessed it!" she asserts.

Responding to reports Cruise holds Holmes prisoner, Mrs. Will Smith rants, "It burns my soul – I see her in the house with Tom; he doesn't have that on her! It kills me. 'Tom's this monster and he's got her chained up in the basement and he's forcing Scientology down her throat' – it's bullshit. Let me tell you: Kate ain't no little wimpy kitty cat. It's not that ballgame. For real."

"People think Tom and the Church of Scientology got something on Kate? They don't," Pinkett-Smith adds. "Kate is running her own show … Tom don't run nothin' in that house! It is Katie's house. It's her world!"

Well, then, we're convinced. Who would dare doubt the words of the woman who rose to fame in The Nutty Professor and Scream 2?