Sure, the musical numbers at the Oscars often go down in infamy as the lowest of awards-show lows (see: Rob Lowe's duet with Snow White; Nell Carter and a bunch of hip-hop dancing Aladdins; basically anything involving shadow dancing and/or Stomp).
This year, however, Oscar producers are pulling out all the gimmicky, populace-pleasing stops -- coming up just short of summoning Heath Ledger's ghost to do the "Bat Dance." (What, too soon?)
Rumoured to be pitching in for this year's telecast are Baz Luhrmann, Beyonce, the stars of Mamma Mia!, enough 'tween superstar wattage to make Jack Nicholson squeal like a teen girl in heat and (possibly!) a holographic M.I.A.
It's all in an effort to jack up the ratings, claim multiple reports. Because, really, nobody wants to see The Reader -- much less sit through an awards show to see whether it picks up a few statues.
What they might want to see, however, is a crazy, show-stopping routine from an Oscar-nominated pop star who gave birth mere days ago. Yes, Oscar producers Larry Mark and Bill Condon want nothing more than to top M.I.A.'s ready-to-pop Grammy performance by watching her (and her newly deflated baby belly), sing at the Oscars.
The producers told MSNBC that they'll stop at nothing to get her on the show, saying "We are happy to bring some sort of fabulous bed on stage if that means M.I.A. can be there to perform her song."
The Oscar nominee told a BBC interviewer she's willing to make an appearance -- but she'd love to do it by hologram.
If there's one (and only one) thing we've learned from will.i.am on CNN, it's that people love holograms. People also love Robert Pattinson, Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens and Miley Cyrus -- particularly if they're people between the ages of 8-13.
Word from E! News is that Twilight star Pattinson will be presenting an award -- possibly with co-star Kristen Stewart.
Cyrus is said to be on the invitations list (her flick, Bolt, is up for Best Animated Feature), but she isn't expected onstage.
As for the High School Musical contingent, Efron will be presenting Best Original Song, and E! suggests that he and Hudgens will be slapping a little Vaseline on their teeth to join host Hugh Jackman in a musical number.
No word whether Jackman's been practicing his Wildcat cheers, but E! does say that the host has been holed up in New York City, practicing a song-and-dance for the show -- with none other than Beyonce.
Mamma Mia's Amanda Seyfried and Dominic Cooper are rumoured to be joining them in the number, if their schedules permit.
A cavalcade of cheesy stars? Razzle-dazzle song-and-dance numbers? A token Australian? Why, doesn’t this routine sound like the sort of pop-culture pastiche that could have sprung from the mind of Moulin Rouge director Baz Luhrmann?
Yes, Luhrmann is indeed helming the Oscars' opening showstopper, E! News confirms. Here's hoping it's better than Australia.
The 81st annual Academy Awards take place Sunday in Hollywood.
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