The Hollywood writers’ strike has halted the magic wheels of film and television. Screenwriters are hitting the picket lines instead of writing the lines of dialogue that we all hang on with every pinch of soul-dust in our souls. It’s madness! It’s sadness! Can it stop soon, please?
The only light at the end of the tunnel we can see is that those crafty scribes are stockpiling idea after idea while standing around on strike. We’re sure some of those will even be influenced by the strike itself. On this tip, we’ve put together some possible strike-focused film pitches in a few choice genres.
Strike! The Action Movie
Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Jessica Biel, Tom Cruise
Plot: Cruise plays Marcus Witherington, an evil Hollywood executive who grows sick of the writer's strike and takes matters into his own hands and plans to detonate a massive bomb near a WGA picket line. Only striking screenwriter — and ex-Green Beret — Flex Striker (Wahlberg) can stop him with the help of Kat Jones, a plucky Variety reporter (Biel).
Sample Scene: After thwarting Witherington’s diabolical plot — and discovering that the exec was responsible not only for passing on Flex’s TV pilot Striker? I don’t even Know Her but also dooming most of his unit in a sortie during the Iraq War — Striker and Jones tail him to a secret lair in the Mojave desert where, after defeating an army of mutant hench-molemen, Kat is taken hostage.
Witherington: (Pushing a gun into Kat’s temple) It’s over, Striker. One more step and this hack is her own next headline.
Striker: Still not into talking things out, Witherington?
Witherington: That’s what you writers don’t get — talking and words. It’s all bullsh*t. You could write anything. The producers are the ones who spin it all into gold.
Striker: Garfield? Garfield was gold?
Witherington: It made money on the back end. We always do. (Laughs diabolically)
Kat: No!!! (She manages to get free of Witherington’s grip)
(Striker shoots Witherington in the head and he falls down a nearby elevator shaft)
Striker: How’s that for residuals?
Strike! The Romantic Comedy
Starring: John Cusack, Renée Zellweggar
Plot: Jim (Cusack), an unlucky-in-love screenwriter, and Jan (Zellweggar), an unlucky in love movie producer, form a connection after Jan goes undercover as a writer to spy on the WGA picket line.
Sample Scene: After falling in love, consummating their romance and then falling out after Jim realizes Jan is a producer (the very enemy he was striking against!), Jan speaks out against her fellow producers live on the news. After, Jim arrives with a picket sign that says: “Will work 4 Love.”
Jim: (Just starts talking as if in mid-conversation, as Cusack generally does.) Maybe it was because I never really believed they existed, but I’ve written so many happy endings and yet never thought one could actually happen to me.
Jan: That’s funny because I’ve forced so many writers to write happy endings because I never thought they could happen to me. Sure, I blamed it all on test screenings, but I guess the audience inside of me skewed to the negative.
Jim: And how's that happy ending feeling now?
Jan: (Smiles warmly) It’s testing through the roof.
Jim: (Also smiles) Roll credits…
(They kiss as a crane shot rises and shows them in the picket line. Credits roll.)
Strike! The Teen Sex Comedy
Starring: Whoevs, Tara Reid
Plot: Kip, A.J., “The Gooch” and Delbert, four crazy frat boys, try to lose their virginity by pretending to be striking screenwriters and hoping to score desperate chicks on the picket lines.
Sample Scene: After hearing Tara Reid is showing her support for writers by serving them coffee, Charlie and A.J. try to figure out a way to meet her, while “The Gooch” gets it on with a goat (accidentally) and a hot MILF movie exec (also by accident but, hello, awesome!). Meanwhile, Delbert falls in love (sucker!) with Elle, a passionate, sweet, 18 year-old screenwriter. As the two try to consummate their attraction against a coffee cart (the very coffee cart Tara Reid is working in), it collapses and explodes, thanks to Tara Reid fighting with A.J. and Kip. Syrup flies everywhere and on everybody (who are all naked because of the explosion that happened.) Delbert and Elle kiss, A.J. and Kip make out with naked and syrupy Tara Reid. Two hot naked screenwriter girls from Russia kiss in the syrup. Then “Gooch” runs through naked with a picket sign glued to his privates.
Everyone: (With fond admonishment) Gooooooch…
Strike! The Frat Pack
Starring: Will Ferrell, Steve Carell, Vince Vaughn, Jack Black, Jeremy Piven, random Wilson brother
Plot: Four chronic underachievers who work at Target pretend to be members of the WGA to use the strike as an excuse to miss work. Hilarity ensues. It features Black as a burned-out screenwriter captivated by the guys and Piven as their jerk of a boss.
Sample Scene: After Vaughn overzealously incites the picketers to phone in a bomb threat, the riot police arrive and surround the strikers. Black, believing his new friends’ fake convictions, misguidedly inspires the WGA to hold firm and go out in a blaze of glory. While the Wilson brother and Carell try to figure out which one of them will solve the situation, the police prepare to attack.
Suddenly, Ferrell (who has accidentally discharged an experimental riot-control drug canister into his face while trying to sneak into the police ranks) takes his shirt off. He screams and rants in front of the police. The police are baffled. One cop (possible cameo by Ben Stiller or other Wilson brother) tries to dissuade Ferrell. Another laughs. Ferrell screams at him in an impression of a hyena. He is then shot in the chest with a bean-bag gun. He yells crazy stuff. His pants fall down. He is wearing uncomfortably normal underwear, maybe blue, but probably white.
Ferrell: (Still running with pants around ankles) Oh, holy Neptune! Oh, Sally, that hurts. Oh wow! Oh shammalamma! Ouchie! It’s like fire and needles are having butt sex on my chest while knives and glass coldly masturbate in the corner! Ouch ouch ouch!
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